After Saturday morning Eucharist

The house is quiet. The taste of the consecrated bread and wine is still in my mouth. I have a large cup of black coffee next to me, ready to be enjoyed, but wait -- I want to enjoy the moment. I have just received Christ in a special, indescribable way, in the Eucharist. And the taste remains in my mouth to remind me, and to enjoy. Enjoy Him. I'm still habited, and haven't yet removed my stole.

The habit is a gentle reminder that I am not only a Franciscan, but I'm also a part of that universal order of monastics John Michael Talbot wrote of in his book "Hermitage" -- all who are drawn to be monastic in some way in their lives, vowed and joined to an order or not. I am reminded this moment that for me it was either be monastic, or dead. Either way, in a way I had to die to this world -- due to my own fault and that of others, the world had lost its charm. Yes, there is something of the world I still enjoy, mainly the Creation and the arts (people are interesting, too -- personalities made in the image of God), seeing God's hand at work, and a returning to those things that really matter -- family one of them, and love for my Shirley.

The stole and the taste in my mouth remind me that I've been ordained and set aside to the sacred order of priests. My hands were anointed and consecrated with oil and set aside for God's use. Not only was evil I had done with them forgiven, washed away and "thrown as far as the east is from the west" (the Psalmist wrote), and not counted against me by God (Paul wrote), but even better -- they are set aside to bring the Body and Blood, to bring comfort and healing. Only God can do that. The world cannot, neither does it want to -- it wants chains on those hands and wrists, and to keep us in bondage. I will have none of that. That is not what God wants for us -- He wants us set free from our chains and free to live anew in His mercy and love, to enjoy Him and serve Him as He wills. I have chosen to live in the true freedom Jesus gives, and what He gives no one can take away.

So I sit and enjoy Him this morning -- Him who loved me and died for me, so that I might live. And I live in that truth and in Him. My prayer is that you do, too.

Quiet morning

We enjoyed eggs and toast together for breakfast, and Shirley has left to go to her second job. This afternoon, we'll head over to Tulsa to lead the student service we do.

The house is quiet. A good cd of Benedictine monks praising our God in chant is on in the Bonny room, and I'm reflecting on what they do. We do Morning and Evening Prayer, and daily Communion, but these monks stop several times a day to praise and pray to our great God. I was reminded of that this morning as I listened to them, and I wondered yet again -- why do they do it?

Mercy. God's mercy. Mercy covers all. Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians that "God was in Christ, reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their sins against them." I need that, more then anything in the world. Not becaue I'm a notorious sinner, or that I've sinned more then anyone else (I won't waste my time arguing that point -- I know it's true, I live with me). It's just because God loves me and made a way for me to be forgiven and reconciled to Him. And as I said, I need that, more than anything else in the world.

I love and need Shirley. Yes, I know, I've heard and read all the arguments about how when we "need" our spouses we set ourselves up for trouble. I've already HAD trouble -- I was married to an unfaithful spouse the first time around -- so I know what trouble is. Shirley is definitely NOT that -- she's not trouble, she's a wonderful woman. And yes, I need her. Not that I couldn't live single -- I did it after my divorce, and I lived fifteen years of my adult life single before I married the first time. (And please don't waste your time emailing and rebuking me for marrying a second time and then submitting for ordination -- go read Paul again, where he wrote that in the case of desertion, the believing spouse "is not under bondage." Yes, we interpret that to mean that the offended spouse may remarry, and be ordained, if he/she is so called.) But I'm not called to live single or celibate, and so I am married.

Yes, I need Shirley. As Tom said, "You complete me." Yet, as much as I need to be with her, that pales in comparison to how much I need God and His mercy. Without that, I would despair. I've seen and dealt with enough of the world to see the effects of sin on it -- how self comes first, and how it tramples over others to get what it wants. I've seen it from the time I was a kid in the 60's, and it's quite a bit worse now. Yeah, I see it. I have despaired of life without Him, when it seemed He was far away. But He never is, it just feels like it. So I call out to Him, and beg and plead to feel that Presemce again, and to enjoy His Presence again. God, take away my despair, and give me peace.

Shirley can't take away my depression, when I'm dealing with it. She helps me deal wih it by reminding me that she is here and that most of all that He is here. Same with despair -- only He can remove it.

God, without Your mercy, I despair. I need You, more than anything else in the world.